Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Breaking news:
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.