Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
You Might Also Like
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
my retirement plan is braless
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside