I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.