I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
You Might Also Like
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“you changed” bro i was 15
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.