“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years