Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
These are my roll models.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Eggs benadryl my favourite
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“no gods no masters” = leo
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.