My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
You Might Also Like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool