sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down