Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows