just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
PER MY LAST EMAIL
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Still cracks me up
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one