Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My love language is hissing.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
This came to me in a dream.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
work smarter, not harder
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.