Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Lmao
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION