Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods