Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
The first matador
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.