EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
this is me
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
How to properly lift a body
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.