If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Pat is about to own someone
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life