One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room