If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.