“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Nice try Hitler
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Stonehinge
Noted.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging