Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not