dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
The three genders
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit