Great Canadian literature.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
live, laugh, laundry.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
This is why I hate group projects
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.