The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
the icebreaker
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism