devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?