A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.