DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Love this guy
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.