Best table by far
You Might Also Like
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
socratic questions
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.