Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
You Might Also Like
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
thank god the sign was there
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months