NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to