Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Software Development ⛵️
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean