Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.