My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Perfect