I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.