Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate