Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad