Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You Might Also Like
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Alexa: *deep breath*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*