Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot