Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
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Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.