*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
You Might Also Like
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Kermit goes Blue.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science