I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Received some very disappointing news today
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
#Thanos #MondayMood
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.