Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.