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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.