I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
moms in horror movies
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.