the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink