Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?