Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The first one, obviously
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
That’s enough internet for the day
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude