Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Ron is short for Aaronald
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Said the murderer.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.