I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls