[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.