It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.